Confessions of a Real Bag Lady...

This week for Humpday Confessions, I am taking you ladies to a dark place that some of my closest friends don’t have any clue about…

The inside of my purse.

My purse is major OFF LIMITS to everyone. Period. It’s a weird pet-peeve of mine that my purse needs to remain MY purse so I don’t want anyone else’s grubby paws in it! But for the sake of my new friendships with you all, I am going to TELL you what deep dark/strange/personal items I carry around daily…just don’t ever go exploring in my purse because I might will cut you.

Wine Opener…If you have read my blog for longer than 2.2 seconds this one explains itself. I drink wine. I like to be prepared to drink wine. I have snacks for Michael and band aids for Lane, soooo if you ask me...We are pretty much ready for anything.

Deodorant-Since I sweat like a grown ass man, this is a must-have. Actually in the

summers, I openly do pit checks every hour on the hour.

Spanx…I do not want to try on and buy that cute little fitted dress unless I know how it is really going to look after I put on my body armor. You best believe, if I could get my DD size strapless bra in my purse and it not fall out at Lane's meet the teacher night, I would mostly definitely have it in there as well…

2012 W-2’s…How in the world I have carried around a copy of Michael’s 2012 W-2 for over a year in my purse is still a mystery to me…a mystery and accomplishment at the same time. #winning

Pregnancy Test…you never know when you might be prego.

Those are just a few of the items in my purse...I also have a 1,004 bobby pins, tanning lotion, crushed red pepper, lip plumber, a speeding ticket, paper clips, 9 pairs of earrings, my passport, and probably 20 headbands. :)

ABC's of Me

Good Morning Darlings!

A-Age, 28 years young. No Joke, I just had to think about this because I was not sure. #oldpeopleproblems

B-Bitchy, I can admit that I am not the most pleasant person to be around those 2 weeks out of the month.   

C-Calm is something I am not. EVER. I am a self-diagnosed crazy person.

D-I loved dodge ball in elementary school. Nowadays, I daydream about playing it with some of my least favorite people. :)

E-Entertaining is one of my favorite things to do, I could have a get-together with friends and family every weekend for whatever reason.

F-Fuentes is my last name, just an FYI if any of you are planning on stealing my identity….find someone else. It’s not worth it to take mine, I promise. Ha!

G-Google is my go-to problem solver. The hubs and I make bets quite often and since everything you read on the internet is true, we really rely on Goggle.

H-Is it weird I thought dirty when I came to the letter “H”? I'll skip this one to save on making things uncomfortable around here.

I-I might need a intervention for my addiction to reality TV.

J-I have juggled with doing the right thing or actually slapping the shit out of Michael’s ex-wife many of times.

K-Kind people don’t slap their husband’s ex-wife….so I am kind. :)

L-Laughing is my favorite medicine

M- I have NEVER played Monopoly.

N-I use to write for my high school’s newspaper. Nerd Alert.

O-The ozone is probably damaged because of the amount of hairspray I’m known for using.

P- My dream job has always been to be a photographer.

Q-My husband was the quarterback in high school.

R-After wrecking our 4 wheeler, I had a broke a rib.

S-Shopping for me is therapy and cardio.

T-My teenage years gave my parents a lot of grey hairs…makes me rethink reproducing quite often!

U-Unicorns are REAL.

V-I want a wine vineyard in my backyard instead of a garden.

W-Whiskey is probably the only liquor I can’t drink,  the smell makes me want to vomit on your shoes.

X-X-Rays in my mind are very similar to the little memory erasers that Will Smith used in Men in Black. So, I have always tested my memory after a X-Ray. Don’t Judge Me.

Y-Not all Texans say “Yee-Haw”…actually I don’t know any that do.”Ya’ll” is whole other story though.

Z-The zombie trend does not entertain me. What-so-ever.

Definitely a Dog Lady.

Well folks...I'm showin' my love again this week by linking up with funny lady Kathy and her man crush Ryan Gosling over at Vodka & Soda. This week I'm going to really try to get down to the nitty gritty of why I am a complete nut case over my dogs.

I would like to take this time to thank Kathy for being the cheapest therapy this girl could ask for each week.

                    Jackie                                                             Scooter         

 -To protect Jackie, I pick up and hide all the feathers of the decent chickens that she has stolen from our neighbors. How white trash and sketchy does that really sound?!

-When Scooter is humping his boy cousins, I tell Lane he is just trying to get a piggy back ride.

-When travelling and we make a pit stop...my dogs will poop...and I don't always pick it up! Free fertilizer, your welcome!

-Scooter is a homosexual and I accept him for who he is.

-If I'm home alone, my dogs go into the bathroom with me no matter what event is taking place. Beeeecause in my head that will be the time a murder will enter my house and break into the bathroom. At that point my fur balls will unleash their inner beast and chew his knees off!

-I find myself sometimes bargaining with my dogs. "Scooter, if you let me sleep 10 more minutes, I'll give you extra Scooby snacks!"

-If either of my dogs stick their tongue in my drink....I don't always get a new one.


-I say "Bless You" when my dogs sneeze.

Happy Humpday, friends!

They Are Better Than This Hot Mess

Happy Friday, friends!

This week for Five on Friday I wanted to share something a little different than the usual inappropriate hot mess that I like to produce. :) Recently there have been several blogs/posts that I have just really enjoyed reading, and wanted to share the awesome ladies behind them with everyone in case you have missed any of them.

But by no means am I implying the other posts or bloggers are just chopped liver. :) I promise!

You all are kickass! :)

I found Holly's blog a few weeks and instantly loved everything she was sharing. For me, I could relate to majority of what she was preaching...her love for food, bargains and making an effort to love yourself whole heartedly!

Be sure and check out her awesome blog!

 Hey, Hollywood

You can find fellow wine lush lover, Amy over at The Crazy Wise Woman telling all the juicy details of her recent dates and raising 3 beautiful kiddos.

If you have not been over to the badass that is Amanda at Voyage of the Mee Mee you are surely missing out. I told Amanda a couple weeks ago that I swear she has to be one of the most open and honest people I know...her honestly will definitely make you die laughing and rethink how open you HAVEN'T been! Haha!

I found Lynsey's blog Eternally Wanderlyn a couple weeks ago and became an instant follower after she confessed that she picks wine over water...I knew right away we would have so much in common just from that sweet statement!

Crystal's blog over at Mason's Mama was one of the first blogs I started following when I embarked on this blogging journey. Is it me or did that sound oh-so professional or whatl?! Anyyywho...it could be that Crystal is pretty much my neighbor...but I think that they are one of the cutest families around. You guys have to go check out their last minute family weekend getaway from a couple weeks ago and you will see what I am talking about!

In honor of Teresa Giudice more than likely going to jail...

Have a FABULOUS weekend, friends!

Mullets, Chopsticks & Aunt Flow

On this windy humpday in Texas I'm linking up with funny lady, Kathy. You can find her being a total badass over at Vodka and Soda. This week I'm confessing a lot of randomness, at the same time crossing my fingers we can all still be friends after you realize I'm not cool. :)

-I fake bake...Mainly because tan fat looks better than white fat! Plus...Michael is Hispanic so if he wants to be darker than me, it takes him a whole 2.6 seconds of being outside and he's darker than me!

-I'm probably hungover...if I am wearing large sunglasses and my hair looks like I was just attacked by monkeys.

-I have an app on my phone that tracks when “Aunt Flow” will be around. Next week if anyone was curious?

-The other day I googled Epic Mullets…So educational.

-My husband called me a drunk last week….he might be right, Lane named off the only beer and wine I drink. 

 But we can’t get him to remember spelling words!? 

-My 59 year old mother is active on Instagram and Facebook...and knows more about Facebook then myself.

-When I was a youngster, I wanted to be a dolphin trainer.

-I am 28 years old and I do not know how to use or read Twitter.

-This week I downloaded not just one but two Limp Bizkit songs. #Iwasntdrunkeither

-I do not believe in chopsticks…I use a fork when I eat sushi. Mainly because when I eat I’m trying to shovel as much food in my pie hole at once and chopsticks restrict my form of eating.

-Sometimes when people drive under the speed limit in the fast lane...I get the urge to throat punch them at their next stop.

Happy Humpday, friends! :) Be sure and go link-up at Vodka and Soda for Humpday Confessions!

He Does Laundry and Farts...

Remember when I told you guys about our anniversary last week and shared that mushy line about Michael being the best thing that has happen to me?....
Well…
I just knew all ya’ll have been on the edge of your seat since then, wondering how my hubby makes my life better. So given that I have had 2 glasses of wine since watching The Bachelor…I decided to give you all a few examples of why he is no Tom Cruise but still completes me.

-When he passes gas, he fans it in the opposite direction of me.
-He accepts my recent snoring.
-While in New Orleans, he hungout in a gay bar with me, while I scouted out a gay male best friend.
-Also, while in New Orleans…he held my hair back from touching the toilet.
-A couple weeks ago he decided he wanted to cook a great steak for himself…instead each of our dogs had a VERY well done steak for dinner that night.
-Instead of turning the radio off when I proceed to show off my singing abilities, he just turns it up louder so it saves him a headache and I still get to become Carrie Underwood in the car.
-He did laundry that one rare time…and he went from attractive in my eyes to me wanting to jump his bones right there on that clean laundry pile!

-Last night he poured me a glass of wine...to the top of my wine glass. He understands me so well...
-His way of cleaning is spraying Febreze.
-He gives me more comments when I wear burnt orange! (Hook’Em Horns!)

2nd Anniversary

Good Morning to All! :)

Two years and a day ago, I was blessed enough to marry the world's best driver, a baseball loving trash taker-outer, a omelet making comedian, and the best vodka drink maker in all the land!
Anddd after 2 years I still wouldn't trade him for anything! :) Because he is the best thing that has ever happen to me! 

Happy Anniversary to us!