Humpday Confessions

It's Humpday! Yay! That means that when I have the time I am linking up with fellow badass Kathy @ Vodka and Soda for her weekly Humpday Confessions linkup party. Since it's been awhile since I have told y'all about my dirty and weird confessions andddd I am on this new journey to drop some pounds from my ass. I decided I would share my health and fitness confessions with you guys this week. :) 

I confess...that when I eat clean, I poop a lot. It's like my body hates me for all the junk food and alcohol I have ever put in my body.

I confess...that if I see you at the gym with a full face of makeup, a coke in your hand, hair curled and your walking at a pace of 1.1 on the treadmill...I am most certainly giving you the side-eye and judging you at the same time! 

I confess...that I have had dreams of face planting on the treadmill, with a giant treadmill facial burn included. 

I confess...that I think I am burning more calories in some bizarre way when I eat spicy foods. 

I confess...that I get on the scale after I poop to see how much weight I have lost. 

I confess...that I will not run in public because my boobies are to big and I am not trying to give myself a black eye with small children around. 

What are some of y'all's fitness or health confessions??

Don't forget to go visit Kathy and the rest of the cool kids on the link-up! 

Ryan really wants to see you! 

Twerking and Spanx

Hey sweet friends, I am so sad that I am so behind on reading everyone's blogs, I promise I will get to it very soon. While on the road yesterday between Odessa and Fort Worth I had some time between singing my heart out to get come confessions together for Kathy's Humpday Confessions.

I confess...I think the real reason why my dogs hate riding in the car is because of the lack of singing ability I have.

I confess...at my sister's wedding rehearsal, I twerked in front of her soon-to-be stepdaughter.

I confess...halfway through the wedding reception, I took off my Spanx and was "free balling" the rest of the evening.

I confess...that I'm considering getting a 4' tall redneck pool from Walmart.com because Texas Summers are fucking hot!

I confess...I don't wash my hair but every 3 days or so, because ain't nobody got time for that! But no really it takes me forever and a day to wash this mop.

I confess...that just this week Michael and I have already googled "race of Panda Express's owners", "white beans", "Todd Chrisley gay" and "Justin Bieber's neck tattoo"...I am seriously beginning to think we have a problem with googling shit.

I confess...that I HATE working out and eating "right". It's complete bullshit.

I confess...that we have been so busy lately that all I really want to do right now is to sit on my ass at home and watch some mindless reality TV.

 

Definitely a Dog Lady.

Well folks...I'm showin' my love again this week by linking up with funny lady Kathy and her man crush Ryan Gosling over at Vodka & Soda. This week I'm going to really try to get down to the nitty gritty of why I am a complete nut case over my dogs.

I would like to take this time to thank Kathy for being the cheapest therapy this girl could ask for each week.

                    Jackie                                                             Scooter         

 -To protect Jackie, I pick up and hide all the feathers of the decent chickens that she has stolen from our neighbors. How white trash and sketchy does that really sound?!

-When Scooter is humping his boy cousins, I tell Lane he is just trying to get a piggy back ride.

-When travelling and we make a pit stop...my dogs will poop...and I don't always pick it up! Free fertilizer, your welcome!

-Scooter is a homosexual and I accept him for who he is.

-If I'm home alone, my dogs go into the bathroom with me no matter what event is taking place. Beeeecause in my head that will be the time a murder will enter my house and break into the bathroom. At that point my fur balls will unleash their inner beast and chew his knees off!

-I find myself sometimes bargaining with my dogs. "Scooter, if you let me sleep 10 more minutes, I'll give you extra Scooby snacks!"

-If either of my dogs stick their tongue in my drink....I don't always get a new one.


-I say "Bless You" when my dogs sneeze.

Happy Humpday, friends!

Mullets, Chopsticks & Aunt Flow

On this windy humpday in Texas I'm linking up with funny lady, Kathy. You can find her being a total badass over at Vodka and Soda. This week I'm confessing a lot of randomness, at the same time crossing my fingers we can all still be friends after you realize I'm not cool. :)

-I fake bake...Mainly because tan fat looks better than white fat! Plus...Michael is Hispanic so if he wants to be darker than me, it takes him a whole 2.6 seconds of being outside and he's darker than me!

-I'm probably hungover...if I am wearing large sunglasses and my hair looks like I was just attacked by monkeys.

-I have an app on my phone that tracks when “Aunt Flow” will be around. Next week if anyone was curious?

-The other day I googled Epic Mullets…So educational.

-My husband called me a drunk last week….he might be right, Lane named off the only beer and wine I drink. 

 But we can’t get him to remember spelling words!? 

-My 59 year old mother is active on Instagram and Facebook...and knows more about Facebook then myself.

-When I was a youngster, I wanted to be a dolphin trainer.

-I am 28 years old and I do not know how to use or read Twitter.

-This week I downloaded not just one but two Limp Bizkit songs. #Iwasntdrunkeither

-I do not believe in chopsticks…I use a fork when I eat sushi. Mainly because when I eat I’m trying to shovel as much food in my pie hole at once and chopsticks restrict my form of eating.

-Sometimes when people drive under the speed limit in the fast lane...I get the urge to throat punch them at their next stop.

Happy Humpday, friends! :) Be sure and go link-up at Vodka and Soda for Humpday Confessions!

Humpday Reality TV Confessions

I have a minor addiction to reality television…..so much that my husband calls me REALITY TV QUEEN in public. That statement is kinda true. But, he just doesn’t get it that I am a better person and wife because of reality television.

-I appreciate and cherish the level of education I have after repeatedly watching Party Down South and Jersey Shore.

- I have more self-acceptance after watching My Strange Addiction and Hoarding; Buried Alive. I mean because gaining 10lbs is nothing compared to living in a house full of 100 dead cats.

- I am more knowledgeable of hunting and embracing my redneck ways after watching Duck Dynasty which lets me relate to him in more ways.

- Wanting lip injections for years and a day I decided they weren’t for me after watching Taylor’s mouth on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills over the years.

-TopChef makes me a better cook-Never mind that is the farthest from the truth. Nothing will make me a better cook.

-I made it through high school without getting pregnant; Teen Mom participants can’t say the same.

-RuPaul’s Drag Race shows me how a queen is supposed to act.

Anddddd....if you have not seen a episode of Mob Wives, I really do not know what the hell you are doing with your life and I feel sorry for you.

Because... 

IT'S PURE GREATNESS.

Happy Humpday! :) Be sure and go link-up at Vodka and Soda for Humpday Confessions!