Humpday Confessions

I confess...that Facebook pisses me the hell off. If it is not your 4th cousin, twice removed posting only "Goodnight."....then it's your 2nd grade teacher posting 2,000,001 pictures of her old fat cat. Pleaseeee...Shut your face.

I confess...my hairline is receding. After closely studying pictures of myself from high school my hairline is not in the same place as it was 10 years ago. So does mean I'm gonna be bald by 60!?!

I confess...my last pair of Nikes' were purchased in kids' sizes. They were $45 cheaper than the women's and a size 7 in kids...is a size 8 in women's. BAM! I'm $45 richer...

I confess...I will practice rapping abilities by listening to a song 93 times until I memorize it.

I confess...last week I did some research and got pricing on having laser hair removal on my cookie.

I confess...that seeing Jerry Jones on the ACM's made me nauseated.

I confess...that I feel cool because several of Lane's 6th grade friends and girlfriends want to follow me on Instagram.

I confess...I cut my own hair a few weeks ago...now I'm embarrassed to go to my hair dresser because she will notice I had a true toddler moment and cut random pieces of my hair with paper scissors.

I confess...that I do not put all my makeup on unless I know I'm gonna see someone I really dislike or any of my Michael's exes.

I confess...that I enjoy the smell of fresh paint...which is why I get nervous when they card me for my paint at Home Depot...I feel like they "know" my secret.

Now it is your turn, go link-up with funny lady Kathy for Humpday Confessions!

Also, my girl Lindsay @ Broke and Bougie is co-hosting with Liz @ Fitness Blondie for a Blog Hop.

I really want to have a giveaway soon...but I haven't decided on anything particular so if anyone has any advice, or would like to join me please shoot me a email.
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Confessions of a Real Bag Lady...

This week for Humpday Confessions, I am taking you ladies to a dark place that some of my closest friends don’t have any clue about…

The inside of my purse.

My purse is major OFF LIMITS to everyone. Period. It’s a weird pet-peeve of mine that my purse needs to remain MY purse so I don’t want anyone else’s grubby paws in it! But for the sake of my new friendships with you all, I am going to TELL you what deep dark/strange/personal items I carry around daily…just don’t ever go exploring in my purse because I might will cut you.

Wine Opener…If you have read my blog for longer than 2.2 seconds this one explains itself. I drink wine. I like to be prepared to drink wine. I have snacks for Michael and band aids for Lane, soooo if you ask me...We are pretty much ready for anything.

Deodorant-Since I sweat like a grown ass man, this is a must-have. Actually in the

summers, I openly do pit checks every hour on the hour.

Spanx…I do not want to try on and buy that cute little fitted dress unless I know how it is really going to look after I put on my body armor. You best believe, if I could get my DD size strapless bra in my purse and it not fall out at Lane's meet the teacher night, I would mostly definitely have it in there as well…

2012 W-2’s…How in the world I have carried around a copy of Michael’s 2012 W-2 for over a year in my purse is still a mystery to me…a mystery and accomplishment at the same time. #winning

Pregnancy Test…you never know when you might be prego.

Those are just a few of the items in my purse...I also have a 1,004 bobby pins, tanning lotion, crushed red pepper, lip plumber, a speeding ticket, paper clips, 9 pairs of earrings, my passport, and probably 20 headbands. :)

ABC's of Me

Good Morning Darlings!

A-Age, 28 years young. No Joke, I just had to think about this because I was not sure. #oldpeopleproblems

B-Bitchy, I can admit that I am not the most pleasant person to be around those 2 weeks out of the month.   

C-Calm is something I am not. EVER. I am a self-diagnosed crazy person.

D-I loved dodge ball in elementary school. Nowadays, I daydream about playing it with some of my least favorite people. :)

E-Entertaining is one of my favorite things to do, I could have a get-together with friends and family every weekend for whatever reason.

F-Fuentes is my last name, just an FYI if any of you are planning on stealing my identity….find someone else. It’s not worth it to take mine, I promise. Ha!

G-Google is my go-to problem solver. The hubs and I make bets quite often and since everything you read on the internet is true, we really rely on Goggle.

H-Is it weird I thought dirty when I came to the letter “H”? I'll skip this one to save on making things uncomfortable around here.

I-I might need a intervention for my addiction to reality TV.

J-I have juggled with doing the right thing or actually slapping the shit out of Michael’s ex-wife many of times.

K-Kind people don’t slap their husband’s ex-wife….so I am kind. :)

L-Laughing is my favorite medicine

M- I have NEVER played Monopoly.

N-I use to write for my high school’s newspaper. Nerd Alert.

O-The ozone is probably damaged because of the amount of hairspray I’m known for using.

P- My dream job has always been to be a photographer.

Q-My husband was the quarterback in high school.

R-After wrecking our 4 wheeler, I had a broke a rib.

S-Shopping for me is therapy and cardio.

T-My teenage years gave my parents a lot of grey hairs…makes me rethink reproducing quite often!

U-Unicorns are REAL.

V-I want a wine vineyard in my backyard instead of a garden.

W-Whiskey is probably the only liquor I can’t drink,  the smell makes me want to vomit on your shoes.

X-X-Rays in my mind are very similar to the little memory erasers that Will Smith used in Men in Black. So, I have always tested my memory after a X-Ray. Don’t Judge Me.

Y-Not all Texans say “Yee-Haw”…actually I don’t know any that do.”Ya’ll” is whole other story though.

Z-The zombie trend does not entertain me. What-so-ever.

Mullets, Chopsticks & Aunt Flow

On this windy humpday in Texas I'm linking up with funny lady, Kathy. You can find her being a total badass over at Vodka and Soda. This week I'm confessing a lot of randomness, at the same time crossing my fingers we can all still be friends after you realize I'm not cool. :)

-I fake bake...Mainly because tan fat looks better than white fat! Plus...Michael is Hispanic so if he wants to be darker than me, it takes him a whole 2.6 seconds of being outside and he's darker than me!

-I'm probably hungover...if I am wearing large sunglasses and my hair looks like I was just attacked by monkeys.

-I have an app on my phone that tracks when “Aunt Flow” will be around. Next week if anyone was curious?

-The other day I googled Epic Mullets…So educational.

-My husband called me a drunk last week….he might be right, Lane named off the only beer and wine I drink. 

 But we can’t get him to remember spelling words!? 

-My 59 year old mother is active on Instagram and Facebook...and knows more about Facebook then myself.

-When I was a youngster, I wanted to be a dolphin trainer.

-I am 28 years old and I do not know how to use or read Twitter.

-This week I downloaded not just one but two Limp Bizkit songs. #Iwasntdrunkeither

-I do not believe in chopsticks…I use a fork when I eat sushi. Mainly because when I eat I’m trying to shovel as much food in my pie hole at once and chopsticks restrict my form of eating.

-Sometimes when people drive under the speed limit in the fast lane...I get the urge to throat punch them at their next stop.

Happy Humpday, friends! :) Be sure and go link-up at Vodka and Soda for Humpday Confessions!